Amber Lisa, I apologize for taking so long to respond. My grandchildren were visiting and then my stepdaughter. Life has been hectic, and I wanted to give you the in-depth response you deserve.

First, I am pleased you remember our other conversations about LoA. I revisited it because Lindsay Linegar asked about my experiences with manifestations and synchronicity, although not specifically about LoA. My post was in response to her.

Second, I want to stress that my emotions were very positive during my Manifesting Mount Dora Project. My personality leans towards depressive — I am a glass-half-full type. I knew I needed to keep my vibrations high and my emotions positive to create a new life in Mount Dora. That is why I used the closet-door vision board and my blog. My blog was to keep me focused emotionally so I didn’t go off the rails getting all depressed about what had not happened. And, I feel the blog accomplished that. Many times I sat at the computer feeling blue but my writing took me to a positive place. My reading also kept my focus on positive emotions. Those two years may have been the most positive, upbeat time of my life.

So, I can’t agree with your assessment of my LoA experience.

I was extremely sad when I gave up on it — as though my best friend had died, tragically and unexpectedly. But, I honestly believe my poor health was tied to the Manifesting Mount Dora Project. I had to stop or I would die.

Let me say that I am impressed and pleased that you started a nonprofit in honor of your mother. What an incredible honor that is! I am also appalled and distressed that your brother attacked you. Inexcusable in every way.

I am also sympathetic with your distress from buying your home from a Donald-Trump-type. My home purchase in 2017 was from a liberal woman but the townhome circle in which I live has several DT-types that are hard to accept, especially after 13 years on a 100% liberal street in a different area of our city.

I am sorry your experiences were so distressful after your home purchase.

Next, I want to address your comments about anger. Believe me, I’ve harbored an ocean of anger in my lifetime. I think anger dissipates with age. Perhaps it’s because anger takes such a huge amount of energy and energy is in short supply as we age. Perhaps it’s because age helps us to realize anger, at least at a personal level, rarely accomplishes much.

My father was an angry man with an intense temper and the ability to hold a grudge for a lifetime. As a young adult, I saw him mirrored in my own personality. My nickname at one job was time bomb — because everyone could see my anger rising and they’d count to three and I’d explode. I did not want to be may father. My goal was to diffuse my anger.

Unfortunately, my anger transformed into resentment and depression. After beating my last serious bout of depression when I was in my 40's, I worked very hard not to allow myself to drown in that ocean again. My current husband is a great help with that goal. Although I often resent his efforts to keep me upbeat when I want to wallow in sadness and disappointment, he does have a very positive effect on me.

Lastly, I am not revisiting LoA in my life. I was only writing about it. My synchronicity piece is almost complete. I lost my focus with our visitors but hope to complete and post it during the next day or so.

I am honored that you are reading me to connect with your past or with the women in your life with whom you feel distant. I, too, have a lifetime of distant female relationships. My mother passed when I was three months old. My stepmother divorced my father and moved hundreds of miles away when I was four. My oldest sister, 10 years my senior who took over mothering me when our stepmother left, also was left behind when my father, my other sister, and I moved when I was seven. My only living grandmother was halfway across the country during my life. I had no nearby aunts or other female relatives. My mother-in-law was murdered three months after I married her son. I have always searched for women to fill the roles I felt were vacated during my life. It seems to be a never-ending search.

One of my greatest desires in life was to be present for my grandchildren as my female relatives were unable to be for me, but in June they moved more than 700 miles away. We were so close before their move. I feel I am letting them down by being far away, although their move was not my responsibility. I am devastated to be the absent woman in their lives — shades of my childhood revisited on me.

I hope your home becomes what you dream it will be.

Thanks again for responding to my piece. It meant a lot to me that you remembered our past conversations.

I was always a writer but lived in a bookkeeper’s body before I found Medium and broke free — well, almost. Working to work less and write more.

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