It is with a distressed heart that I announce the impending death of America. After decades of battling external contamination that threatened her life, she is now, sadly, dying from self-induced poisons. Some of these poisons, particularly those of the “ism” class of toxins, have always been in her system, yet she remained vigorous and even, at times, seemed to be warding off the effects of the “isms”. Unfortunately, in a fit of what we can only label ultimate self-destruction, she further poisoned herself with hatred, selfishness, and stupidity, with stupidity being the most potent and deadly addition. From this toxic brew, a new type of cancer developed — one that was unknown to modern science prior to 2016. It’s official medical name is Trumpism. There are no known cures or treatments for this lethal malignancy. America’s death will likely be slow and torturous. However, should the Trumpism cancer develop into the sickness of war, death may come swiftly.
As the demise of America will affect all who inhabit her and many who do not, I encourage everyone to enjoy the time you have left for it is indeed short. There will be no need for end-of-life arrangements as there will be no one left to implement them. Should you be religiously inclined, make amends with your god. I also strongly suggest hugging one another as often as possible. Studies show hugging eases the pain of death. Since no one will remain to read America’s eulogy, I will present it here:
We had a good run until we self-destructed.