Fathers are problematic, Daniel. Mine was a narcissist or one step below. We carry their burdens and assume the guilt that was never ours. I walked away - after almost 50 years. Not the answer for everyone but the right one for me. I finally stopped carrying his past into my future.
I hope you find a way to stay with self-awareness and self-love or a way to go that gives you self-awareness and self-love.
Either way, thank you for sharing this with us. I appreciate the depth of your writing so much.