I don’t have a horse in this race but I have transgender friends and acquaintances who also suffer with the fear of decision and indecision, of what the consequences of either would be. I can give no advice to them or to you but can offer friendship and acceptance no matter what path is chosen. Your story is heartbreaking but you are actively pursuing an answer, trying to make sense of the confusion, trying to find the right path for you. Stay engaged in the process. Please write more. We need your bravery in this messed-up world.