Timothy, you need fun, you need relaxation and beauty and a deep breath. You won't get awards for suffering and you can't suffer for others. Even if you could, you wouldn't get an award for that either.

Do me a favor, please. Take a walk, then write a poem about what you saw and felt. There is so much more to life than paying for karmic debts or carrying the grief and pain of other lives and other people.

You are a talented writer. Write for fun - try it.